


Falling Away

by boymeetsevils



Series: James' Prequel [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 18:54:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17772353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boymeetsevils/pseuds/boymeetsevils
Summary: After years living with the Whisperers, James begins to have a change of heart.





	Falling Away

James jerked in his sleep. Nightmares had been so common for both James and Charlie since the world had gone to hell, so neither boy was startled when they felt the other jerk in their sleep. However, these nightmares were different. James was trapped in the dream, remembering flashes of the last person he had killed. He couldn’t remember the boy’s name no matter how hard he tried. He remembered his dirty blonde hair and his pale skin; he remembered that he was a bit shorter than himself, making it easy for him to bring the knife to his neck and slide easily through the skin and tissue.

As someone who most frequently fought with a knife, James was used to feeling blood on his hands - his own, Charlie’s when he was cleaning his wounds, the blood of the whisperers’ enemies. But this time it felt different. The blood was so warm in contrast with the cold night and there was just so much of it… his first instinct was to put away his blade and wipe the rest of the blood on his pants - but it wouldn’t stop coming. He watched the boy fall to the floor, eyes still open but lifeless, and the blood kept running out of his neck faster than he thought blood could run. Next he felt the warm blood running underneath his bare feet and looked down to see blood running down his whole body, spreading rapidly through his clothes and down his ankles. He felt like screaming but even in his dreams, he didn’t make loud noises like that. Instead, he reached up and grabbed his own hair, pulling hard and squeezing his eyes shut as he screamed silently in his mind.

This is what alerted Charlie to the fact that these dreams were different than the rest - James wasn’t making noise but he physically grabbed his hair and pulled it, his body shaking with silent sobs, tears running down from the eyes he had squeezed shut.

“James,” he whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder to wake him.

“James!”

James’ eyes finally opened and locked with Charlie’s eyes for a moment. He bit his lip and took a deep breath, trying to calm the sobs that wracked through his body. More tears fell as he wiped his face, his breathing still ragged and out of control.

“Did something happen? You’re usually not… like this, after your dreams.”

Charlie reached up to wipe James’ cheeks, his hand falling away as James sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees.

“There was… there was someone-”

“Who?” Charlie sat up beside him, leaning close to him.

“I don’t - I don’t remember his name. A boy.”

“One of us?”

“Yes, one of us. He was one of us, anyway.”

Charlie’s voice lowered slightly, showing concern. “What did he do?”

“He didn’t do anything. I-” James stopped for a moment, trying to steady his breathing. He was still trembling slightly.

Charlie reached for James’ hand and squeezed it gently, waiting for him to continue.

James reached up to his face with his free hand, covering his eyes. The feeling of intense shame and guilt overwhelmed him and he swallowed, trying to hold back tears. He couldn’t look at Charlie while he said this. He was terrified to see his face, to see how he would react. At the same time, he didn’t think he could hide what he was feeling anymore - not from his partner.

“He was… saying that the others, the people we’re at war with - he said they were the same as us. I could tell that he didn’t want to… go through with what we had to do and I - we were told that we need to get rid of them, the people who hold us back, right? For the good of the group, for the safety of the group… only the strongest can survive. Any weakness puts the rest of us at risk.”

Charlie furrowed his brow slightly, trying to watch James’ face in the gaps between his fingers.

“I killed him. Over that. Just over… a few words that he said.”

There was silence for a few seconds. Charlie frowned and even with his eyes closed, James could feel it as he waited for a response.

“James, that’s not wrong. It’s what we have to do to survive,” Charlie said softly, trying to reassure and comfort his partner. For the first time, James didn’t feel comforted - he felt pain at his words. Charlie hadn’t understood him. In the past, Charlie had always understood him.

“I killed someone innocent, Charlie. He was just a boy like you or me.” He wanted to explain, to express how he felt in a way that Charlie would understand but no words came to him. Surely, he had to understand, right? They had been through everything together - partners in everything, through it all. Charlie knew his soul and every part of him - he had to understand. He had to.

“He wasn’t. You and I do our part for the group. We pull our weight. If this boy wouldn’t do that - if he refused? He would slow us down or get us killed. You… you know that. I don’t know why you’re doubting that.”

“Do you really think he deserved to die - just for not wanting to kill other people?” James’ words, while still whispered, came across in a harsh tone that he hadn’t used before. His mind was racing and he felt anxiety gripping his chest and making it hard for him to breathe.

Charlie could feel James panicking. He had finally opened his eyes and looked directly at him, unwavering. He could feel his eyes pleading, a desperation he had never felt from James before. He was confused, but he didn’t want to hurt him.

“It’s not about what people deserve. James, I know that you feel guilty sometimes… but it’s not your fault. This is the way the world is now. All of us have to kill to survive. If you hadn’t killed him, what if he slowed the group down and caused someone else to die - what if I was the one who died because of his weakness?”

He knew that Charlie was trying to make him feel better but it was making him feel worse. His stomach twisted suddenly and he fought the urge to be sick. James tore his eyes away from Charlie’s as he laid back in the bed again, staring up at the ceiling instead as his partner followed suit.

“I don’t think… that makes it okay to kill other people. I just… I’m afraid, Charlie. What if I… can’t do it anymore?” He pulled his hand away from Charlie’s, clasping his own hands together to try to stop them from shaking.

Charlie whispered, “Can’t do… what?”

“Can’t… kill anymore.” A tense silence followed the words and James squeezed his eyes shut again, turning away from Charlie.

“You don’t mean that. It was just a dream, James. I know they can be really horrible for you, but you can handle it.”

“What if I really can’t?” The words were choked out between his teeth, so quiet that Charlie could barely hear them.

“You can, James. I know you can. You’re stronger than I am.” Charlie shuffled closer to James and carefully slid his arm around his waist, holding him from behind.

James didn’t reply, remaining frozen in place for what felt like hours. A horrible feeling of dread had come over him. Charlie didn’t understand - he really didn’t understand. What could he do? How could he live his life in the whisperers if he felt like this?

“Sleep, James. You’ll feel better in the morning. You’re safe. I’m here. We can talk later if you want, but you should try to rest for now, okay?” He felt Charlie’s breath on the back of his neck - usually a sensation that he liked, but it suddenly didn’t feel good anymore.

“Okay.”

Charlie yawned widely and sighed, breathing evenly and falling back asleep within a few minutes. James, however, remained frozen in place the whole night, eyes blankly staring ahead as the sun crept over the horizon.

The world felt like it had changed, even as he lay in the same spot with his boyfriend sleeping behind him. He grit his teeth, trying to keep his mind off of the pain he was feeling - to no avail.


End file.
